Crack One Shots
by sendmetosanfran
Summary: A series of one shots that will be either shocking, funny, or downright random/weird... Mostly funny though. rated T just in case. Everyone's ships can and will be used at some point. :)
1. Fanfiction

Liz chewed on her lip and held the laptop on her legs. She wasn't entirely sure why, but she was completely engrossed by the words on the screen. The front door opened, but Liz never noticed it. Someone walked up to her but was never seen until they reached out and waved a hand in front of her face.

"JESUS!" She shouted as she flailed in shock, nearly dumping her computer into the floor. She clutched her chest as Reddington held his hands over his ears. Why did she have to be so loud?

"It's just me." Reddington stated. He lowered his hands, and Liz gave a sigh of relief. "What're you doing? It must be thrilling to capture your attention like this." He asked and a blush spread across her cheeks.

"It's kind of nerdy."

"I'd still like to know."

"...I'm reading fanfiction." She stated causing the criminal to raise an eyebrow. "Fans get to make up stories about shows, movies, books, really anything they want." She explained as she reached over to grab a soft drink.

"So, what's yaoi?" Red asked peering over her shoulder. She spit out soda in shock and slammed her laptop shut. Red raised his eyebrow at the red faced woman. "Lizzy, are you alright?"

"I'm fine." She replied leaning her head back. "I'm just tired."

"Right, well," Red started, getting to the point as to why he was there. "I'm going to be on business for the next couple of days. I thought you'd like me to tell you face to face." He explained and she nodded before giggling. "What?"

"What if this was a fanfiction?"

"..."

"I'd ship you and Donald as a crack pairing." She said with a blush. Red furrowed his brow and glanced to the side as if that would tell him what the hell she was talking about.

"Where are you shipping us?" He asked causing her to laugh again.

"No, ship means relationship." She replied causing him to look insulted.

"Donald and me? That's absurd!"

"That's why it's a 'crack pairing'."

"Lizzy, don't take this personally, but I'm starting to believe that you're on crack." He said before patting her on the shoulder. "I really need to be going." He added. The two said their good byes before Red left.

* * *

Red walked into the hotel room and saw Donald standing by the window. He turned and received a smile from Reddington. Without returning the smile, he walked over to Red.

"Does she know?" Donald asked making Red chuckle. Raymond wound his arms over the younger man's shoulders.

"Not a clue," he replied getting a smile from Ressler. "Now, come here." Red added. Donald pressed his lips against Reddington's before wrapping his arms around the criminal's waist and deepening the kiss. He moved his lips to Red's throat getting a moan from the criminal before the two moved over to the bed.

* * *

Red watched the sleeping man laying naked next to him among the damp tangled sheets. He laid his head against Donald's bare chest and took a deep relaxed breath. A smile spread across his face as he closed his eyes.

"Crack pairing my ass,"

author's note_

This wasn't as cracky as I thought it would be. Oh well, others will be much weirder. Tell me what you think. I always like feedback :) I'm also open to suggestions if you guys have ideas that you want to see made into a chapter.


	2. Liquor

Red and Liz sat drinking a bottle of liquor that Red had bought. It was something fancy that Liz had never heard of but was enjoying thoroughly. She was also enjoying the way it made Red mellow out and talk about funny things that had happened to him in the past.

Liz took another sip of the clear substance from her cup and looked down at the man who had his head laying in her lap. If she had been sober, she would have never allowed this. If he had been sober, he would have never have tried it. She listened as he continued to speak before slowly lowering his voice to a whisper and then stopping completely. She ran a hand over his chest and asked what was wrong.

"Nothing's wrong, Lizzy." He stated as he grabbed her hand and held it in place on his chest. He ran his thumb over her knuckles as he thought. "Alcohol makes people do stupid things."

"Are we doing something stupid right now?" Liz asked and he shook his head.

"No, but I was thinking about what people usually do when they get drunk."

"What do they do?" Liz asked and Red bit his tongue gently between his front teeth in thought before looking back up at her.

"Each other," he replied getting a little chuckle from her. "My point," he added, shaking her hand as if to get her attention. "Is that one is usually better at it, right?"

"...I guess so."

"Which one of us do you think is better?" He asked and she thought for a moment.

"There's only one way to find out, isn't there?" She asked as she pushed him off of her. She stood up followed by him and paused when he got closer to her. Her eyes widened when his hand slipped behind her head and into her hair. He pulled her forward into a soft kiss.

After a moment, she leaned into the kiss before nipping at his lower lip playfully. He made a noise in the back of his throat and pressed against her lips harder. His other hand went to unbutton her shirt. She started doing the same to his as the kiss grew more and more passionate. Liz had meant that they should go to a bar and see who could get laid and please their partner better, but Red didn't need to know that.

author's note_

The next chapter won't have to do with sex... I don't think. This doesn't really seem funny to me, but I wanted to write it. All feedback is welcomed. If you want get a reply from me though, send me personal message.


	3. A Nerd and a Jock

They weren't entirely sure as to how they had gotten onto the topic, but everyone in the post office was chatting about high school. Meera and Aram had been the quiet type. Liz had only been a little more socialable than than and could vaguely be considered popular. Harold and Donald had been jocks.

"So, Reddington, what were you were high school?" Liz asked and Red shook his head.

"You don't really want to know about my high school years." Red stated but Liz wouldn't have it. Instead, she moved closer to him.

"Come on. We've all told what we were. It's your turn." She said sweetly. She'd found that the sweeter she acted towards him, the more she could usually get from him. He pursed his lips for a moment as if considering if it would actually make an impact if he told them or not.

"Alright, I don't guess that it'll hurt anything... I was a bit of a nerd." He admitted. If you weren't looking close enough, you would never notice the slight blush on Red's cheeks.

"So, that means that you were getting wedgies from guys like me and Director Cooper?" Donald asked with a smirk causing Red to roll his eyes.

"I managed to evade that part of the social status." Red stated.

"Don't be too sure of that."

"Oh and I suppose that you're going to give me one, agent Ressler?" Red asked raising his eyebrows as Donald's smirk spread.

"Please, he just wants a chance to touch your ass." Meera commented getting a glare from Red and Donald.

"Now, I can see why you were one of the quiet ones." Donald said before looking back at Reddington. "Before the days over, you're getting a wedgie."

"I wouldn't count on it."

* * *

A few hours had passed, and it was time to go home. Red was talking with Liz as they went down the stairs. Neither noticed Donald walking behind them. When they reached the bottom, Ressler reached out and grabbed the back of Red's tucked in shirt and yanked it up to where it wouldn't block his grip on the underwear. Red's eyes went wide when he realized what was going on.

"Wait, Donald! I'm not-," He started but stopped when Donald's hand was rammed down the back off his pants. Liz watched in confusion when both men froze and took on mortified looks. Their cheeks burned a bright red as Donald pulled his hand back out.

"I'm, uh... I'm gonna go boil my hand." Donald muttered before walking away. Red, still blushing, tucked his shirt back in.

"What happened?" Liz asked causing Red to avert his eyes and muttered something. "What?"

"I'm not wearing any underwear."

author's note_

This one is a bit more cracky, but I have a feeling that worse will come. :) Hope you guys thought this was funny. Just for the record though, I'm a nerd but I've never actually seen anyone get a wedgie.


	4. Driving

Red stood in front of the restaurant that he had just finished a meeting in. He was waiting on Liz to pick him up because Dembe had his own matters to attend to for the rest of the week. He sighed and looked at his watch. She was five minutes late, and he was getting a bit tired of waiting for her to show up.

After another ten minutes, he car finally rolled up and stopped in front of him. He got into the front passenger seat and fixed her with a glare. She rolled her eyes before pulling back out onto the road.

"Fifteen minutes," Red commented.

"I hit traffic."

"You should have accounted for that before you left." Red scolded causing her to give him a quick glare.

"I left right after I got off work. I didn't have time to account for anything." She stated getting another look from him.

"Lizzy, you realize that I am your work? Cooper would have gladly let you leave early if he had known that it was to accommodate my needs." Red replied and Liz scoffed as she made a bit of a risky merge.

"Your needs?" She asked with an annoyed chuckle. "You're the one who can't hire someone to drive you around or even just drive yourself." Liz added as her driving grew a bit more reckless. A car that she had cut off, honked at them angrily.

"Lizzy, slow down a bit." Red instructed which got him another glare.

"And now, you're criticizing my driving. Where does it stop with you, Reddington?" She asked. He was starting to wonder if she had gone mental. Could she not see the other cars around her?

"I'm not criticizing. I'm just saying that you need to slow down." He said calmly.

"Well, don't bother. I can drive just fine, thank you." Liz replied. Another car honked after she nearly bumped into them. "Guess what, pal! I can do that too!" She yelled before slamming her hand down on the horn.

Red stayed quiet as Liz went through traffic in a reckless manner. He did, however, have a death grip on his arm rest and had a strong regret for eating before this. He flinched and felt his stomach churn as she passed another car, nearly ramming a semi.

"Lizzy, I mean this in the nicest way possible. I think you should slow down just a bit." Red stated in the sweetest tone he could muster.

"Is that so?" Liz asked with a smile. She glanced at him, and he nodded at her. Instead of doing as he wished, she pressed down on the gas pedal harder. Red's grip tightened on the arm rest to the point that he was afraid it might break.

"Lizzy, please. I'm asking nicely."

"Don't care,"

Red bit his lip every time he considered asking her to slow down. Honestly, he was to the point of begging but knew that would end catastrophically. Finally, she pulled into the parking lot of their destination. Of course, she was still going too fast. Red groaned as she whipped into a parking space, causing his stomach to lurch.

"See that wasn't so bad." Liz said as Red desperately tried to unlock the door. When he heard the lock come undone, he pushed the door open and nearly fell out. Liz grimaced when he lost his dinner out onto the pavement.

She handed him a napkin when he sat back up. He wiped his mouth as she looked at him apologetically. She bit her lower lip for a moment as she considered her words.

"I guess I get a little reckless when I'm upset."

author's note_

Anger and driving don't mix.


	5. High School

A sixteen year old Raymond Reddington sat in his chemistry class looking around at the gorgeous girls that littered the lab. He wasn't sure how, and he didn't really care, but he had ended up in a mostly female class. The girls outnumbered the guys by about three to one and he was enjoying every second of it.

He walked over to a small group of girls, abandoning his own group, and leaned on the table. He gave a small smirk as the girl in the middle blushed. He looked around at the three of them. They were all beautiful.

"I don't suppose you ladies could fit on a microscope slide, could you?" He asked causing them to exchange glances.

"W-what?" The blonde on the right asked.

"Because I would love to take a much closer look and examine you three." He explained with a wink. The three girls squealed in glee, alerting the teacher.

"Raymond, go back to your group." The teacher called. Red thought about arguing but decided against it. He went and sat back down next to Madeline Pratt, who had a bit of a crush on him.

"What's with you?" She asked as he slid his protective goggles on.

"Hey, if you were me, wouldn't you be doing the same thing?" He asked and she rolled her eyes.

"But why do you go to them to flirt? You realize that I'm a girl too?" Madeline asked and blushed when his gaze drifted to her breasts.

"Yeah, you could say that I've noticed."

"So, why don't you ever say anything to me?"

"Oh ho! Maddy wants a pick up line?" Red asked with a large grin. "Hold on a second. I've got to come up with something good for you." He stated and bit his lower lip in thought.

"Anytime now."

"Okay, Okay. I got it. Don't take it the wrong way if I call you basic." He said and she raised an eyebrow. "Because you know what they saw about bases eating proteins."

Madeline's jaw dropped and her eyes widened. She didn't think that she could be more pissed. How can he give those other girls one so mild compared to what he had just said to her.

"Well?"

"Here's your base, Raymond." She said before knocking a beaker off the table, spilling a strong base onto his crotch. He yelled out in pain as she walked out of the classroom.

* * *

Red caught up with Madeline later. She still looked mad at him but looked a bit apologetic. Red pursed his lips and pushed his sunshades on.

"You okay?" she asked.

"My crotch still hurts a little, but other than that, I'm fine. What'd you get so mad at me for?" He asked and she shrugged. "You know, I learned something from all this?" He said to break the silence.

"What's that?" She asked.

"Only tell pick up lines to stupid girls who won't understand them."

author's note_

... Yes I did just make a chemistry blow job is kind of a follow up to the chapter before last. Also, I thank Rebeccabraxton for the idea. :)


	6. Hi, Liz

Liz was sick of this. It was hot, and she was sweaty. So, it was obvious that she would glare at Red as he walked in front of her. Why had he had to drag her and Donald out here in the middle of July?

"You don't look like you're enjoying this." Donald commented to her quietly as he looked around the path they were on. He really had no idea why Red had brought them out to the mountains, but they were walking around one of the rest areas looking for an associate of Reddington's.

"Can you blame me?" She asked and he chuckled and shook his head. She sighed and wiped the sweat off of her forehead. They were close to the end of the path when a man holding a young girl started to walk past them.

"Hi, Liz," said the man before looking at the girl in his arms. "Say 'hi, Liz'."

"Hi Liz." repeated the small child before the two walked away. Liz looked after them with a furrowed brow.

"Who was that?" Donald asked causing Liz to look at him.

"I-I have no idea." She said before looking forward to Red. "Did you know them?"

"I have no idea who they were." Red replied.

author's note_

I know this is random, but this happened to me earlier. I'm currently on a trip and am several states away from where I live. Today, in the Rocky Mountains, we were at a rest area and a guy walks past us and says hi and calls me by name. He had a kid with him and had her say hi to me too. I find this completely creepy because I have no idea who they were, and I was the only one they said hi to. I have no idea how he knew me, but he recognized me instantly like he had known me all my life. Sorry, it just kind of weirded me out.


	7. sleep

Liz was still stuck with Red and Donald on this trip to the middle of no where. She despised the states they had to drive through and that they hadn't just gone in Red's jet. She also hated the fact that she had virtually had to beg to get the two to agree to getting a room for the night. After they got the room, she hated that as well.

"She'll share a bed with me." Red had started the argument causing Liz to look between the two men tiredly.

"Forget it, Reddington. She's with me." Donald argued back with a glare. Liz didn't bother listening to them as she sat her bag down and got ready for bed. When she finished, the two were still bickering.

"Hey," she said getting their attention. "Don't I get a say in this?"

"Of course, Lizzie." Red answered with a smug grin.

"Great. I choose Ressler." Liz answered causing Red's grin to drop as his ego seemed to deflate. Donald held back a triumphant laugh as Liz crawled into bed.

It wasn't long before the light was shut and everyone had gone to bed. Liz sighed and closed her eyes. She felt like she was about to drift off when she heard Red start snoring loudly. She glanced at Donald only to see him sound asleep.

'How can he sleep through that?' She thought to herself. Liz settled back down and closed her eyes. "Ouch!" She yelped when Donald's foot collided with her shin. Glaring at the sleeping man, she got up and moved over to Reddington's bed.

Liz considered crawling into bed with him but thought better of it from how he had managed to spread himself across the entire thing. There was no way that she could lay down comfortably next to him. Plus, she'd never be able to sleep with the snoring right in her ear.

Liz sighed before going back to Ressler's bed. She laid over to the side of the bed to where she thought she was out of Ressler's reach. It wasn't long before she was proven wrong. His foot connected with her rear causing her to yelp and fall into the floor.

* * *

Red woke up and stretched. He yawned as he stood and walked to the bathroom. Something seemed wrong. It took a moment for him to notice the woman curled up in the bathtub.

"Lizzie, what're you doing?" He asked groggily. He felt a chill go down his spine when she met him with an intense glare. Without waiting for a reply, he backed out of the bathroom and closed the door. Maybe he should send Ressler to tell her they had to leave in an hour.

author's note_

...I'm freakin sleepy and my family aren't the easiest people to sleep in the same room with.


	8. Prank

It was the day before April Fool's day, and Ressler was really wondering if he should do this. He sighed and decided that it was worth a shot. He walked over to Liz before she could get into her car. She turned and gave him a small curious smile.

"I have a bet for you." He stated causing her to raise an eyebrow.

"What do you have in mind?" Liz asked as she crossed her arms over her chest.

"If you can prank Reddington, I'll do whatever you want." He answered. She thought for a moment before smiling.

"Anything?"

"...Yeah, within reason," Donald responded. She bit her lower lip in contemplation.

"Okay, I'll do it. Hell, I'll even make it look like I was trying to prank you." She replied getting a smile from him. He could already tell that this was going to be good.

* * *

Liz walked into the post office carrying individual bags of brownies. She handed a bag to everyone in the room except Red. She nearly laughed when she saw the sullen look on his face when she handed the last brownie to Dembe, who just shrugged and put his treat in his pocket. Sometimes Red could act childish which always managed to amuse her.

"I'm sorry, Red." She said getting his attention. "I must have miscounted." She added and got a small smile from him.

"That's alright, Lizzie." He replied, squeezing her shoulder reassuringly. She'd almost regret pranking him... Almost. She patted his hand before walking over to Donald and leaning in.

"Don't eat your brownie. Leave it in here." She whispered and he nodded. Before long, Harold called for a meeting, and everyone left the room except for Red and Dembe.

"I'll be there in a moment. I just need to speak to Dembe for a moment." Red had said to get them to leave him for a minute. After everyone was gone and the door was shut, he walked over to the brownie on the desk and snatched it up.

"Mr. Reddington, is that really necessary?" Dembe asked as Red opened the small bag.

"Dembe, I'm a criminal. They should expect this behavior from me. Besides, Donald will just think that he misplaced it." He replied biting into the brownie and chewing quickly. He was a bit shocked by how chewy it was. He placed the rest back in the bag and then into his pocket. Still chewing, he motioned for them to leave.

"Reddington, it's about time you joined us." Harold stated causing Red to roll his eyes. Raymond went to open his mouth but found he couldn't move his jaw. Instead of words, all that came out was a muffled noise.

"What the hell?" Ressler asked looking at the startled criminal who was prying at his jaw. "Did you get lockjaw or something?" He added causing Red to give an audible groan of annoyance. He continued to try to open his jaw to the point that he was afraid he'd pull his teeth out.

"Did you take Donald's brownie?" Liz asked causing Red to freeze and stare at her with an owlish expression. After a moment, he shook his head and tried to look innocent. Dembe sighed and stepped forward. He reached into the criminal's pocket and pulled out the small bag before tossing it to Liz. Red crossed his arms and averted his eyes. "Come on." She said with a sigh as she put a hand on his arm.

"Wait. Don't help him. I like him like this more than normal." Donald joked getting a glare from Red. Liz rolled her eyes and pushed Reddington towards the door. She glanced back and gave Donald a wink before leaving.

* * *

Red held a pack of ice to one of his slightly swollen cheeks, which made Liz think of a chipmunk, as he and Liz exited the elevator. Part of the brownie had stuck to the inside of his jaw and had been a bitch to get out. Liz felt a little bad that she'd made it stickier than she had meant to but not enough to worry her. They'd gotten it all out, and that was what was important.

"Just to be clear," Red started, hating the slight ache in his teeth. "That had been meant for Donald?"

"I told you, I miscounted how many I needed to bring. And how was I supposed to know that you'd steal a brownie?" She replied causing him to blush and avert his gaze. "I need to go talk to Donald." She stated before exchanging good byes and walking away. She caught up with Donald who was leaning against his car.

"I have to say, I'm impressed. You're the first person to be able to shut Red up." Donald joked getting a smile and an eye roll from Liz.

"I took care of my part of the deal. Now, it's your turn." She replied.

"What do you want me to do?"

"...Kiss me." She stated causing his eyes to widen. "You said you'd do anything, and that's what I want." She added as a blush crept across his cheeks.

"A-Alright," he replied meekly. She puckered her lips and waited. Donald leaned forward and pressed his lips to hers, and Liz took note that he was hesitant to end it.

"Good," she said and patted him on the chest. "Can't wait until next year." Liz added with a wink before walking away. Donald watched her go as he felt butterflies forming in his stomach. He wasn't sure what he'd gotten himself into, but he liked it.

Author's note_

I thought it was time for some Keenler :) Hope you guys like it.


	9. A Synonym for Difficult

She wanted to strangle him. Well, more than usual. Red had brought Liz to be his fake date at one of his meetings. He didn't mention that the other man's girl would be all over him.

Liz sat back, sipping her wine, as Tiffany, a blonde bombshell, left small kisses along Red's jawline. Why was Antonio allowing his girlfriend to do this? Was this some sort of trust thing that criminal's had? And why wasn't Red doing anything about it? Oh yeah, it was because he was too busy talking business and grinning like an idiot. If this kept up, Liz swore she'd beat the crap out of both of them.

"So, how much is this going to cost me, Raymond?" Antonio questioned, sipping his drink. Red opened his mouth to answer.

"Hmph!" was the only noise he could make as Tiffany grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled him into a rough open mouth kiss. Liz watched with wide eyes as Red's eyes rolled back in his head. Anger flared up in her causing her grip to tighten on her glass and shatter it.

"BITCH!" Liz screamed as she bolted out of her seat. She flung the blonde off of Red before turning to glare at him. He looked up at her apologetically, but she was too furious to care. The back of her hand connected with his cheek causing him to look shocked for a moment. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Lizzie, calm down." He stated quietly which only got another slap. He was about to argue but didn't get a chance when Liz's lips crashed onto his and she straddled his lap. Red made a startled noise in the back of his throat after she gave his lip a quick nip. Just as he started to lean into the kiss, she trailed kisses to his ear.

"As long as we're here, you're mine. You got that?" She whispered venomously. He placed a hand at the base of her back and pulled her closer to him. His lips brushed against her ear.

"Yes, ma'am," he muttered before pulling her into another kiss. He positioned her to where she was sitting in his lap. "I'm terribly sorry." Red stated to the other two in the room. "It seems as though Lizzie forgot who was in charge. I'll be sure to punish her later."

"I'm sure that Tiffany didn't mind." Antonio stated as the blonde sat down next to him. Liz tried to keep herself from glaring. It was becoming more evident that Red was supposed to have control over her. Well, that wasn't going to fly. He had control over every other part of her life. This time, she wasn't going to allow it.

Liz laid her head against Red's shoulder as he and Antonio went about their business. She lazily traced her fingers around his chest. Her movement paused when she felt his hand running up the back of her thigh. She leaned more towards his ear as his hand reached the edge of her dress and started to slip under it.

"I swear to God," she whispered. "If you move your hand any farther, I'm going to find a pen and stab you. This time it won't be in your neck." Liz stated. His hand tensed for a moment before moving back to rest on her knee. Red felt a little annoyed when he felt her breath hit his throat from a victorious chuckle. Did she not realize that Antonio thought that he had complete control over her?

As the conversation progressed, Red kept getting distracted. Liz was playing with the buttons on his vest while her breath would brush against his neck, giving it a pleasant warmth. Then, it was evident that she was getting bored. She stopped playing with his vest and opted for moving her fingers up to his throat to gently rub the scar that she had given him. That mixed with her nuzzling his neck caused him to stutter on a few words. He felt her smile into his neck. This couldn't be good.

Liz's nuzzling turned into soft kisses that started to travel up to his jaw. Then, she moved to his earlobe and nipped it playfully. Red felt his throat go dry. He managed to get out what needed to be said with little trouble. Antonio nodded before he and Tiffany stood up and left the room to discuss if they should do business with Red or not.

"Lizzie, you need to stop." Red stated holding back a moan. Instead of doing as he asked, she moved to his lips.

"Hmmm," she hummed causing his lips to tingle. It took all he had to refrain from leaning into the kiss. "I don't think so." Liz said, moving her lips back to his throat. Her fingers carefully opened a couple buttons of his shirt, allowing her to touch his bare chest.

"Lizzie, please stop. If you don't," Red stated before biting his lower lip. How should he put this? "You'll... cause a situation to arise." He said with a blush. Liz, not getting the hint, continued to place lazy kisses down to where his neck met his shoulder. Red barely held back a moan.

"I wouldn't be doing this if you hadn't made out with blondey." She stated, gently rubbing his chest and let her hand fall lower each time.

"No, I meant that... Things will get a little difficult between us." He said, blushing even more.

"With all the crap you've put me through. Things are already difficult." She replied, giving him a quick glare. "I'm playing the part you gave me."

"That wasn't what I meant. Lizzie, what's another word for 'difficult'? It has four letters." Red said giving her an urgent look. She just stared at him for a moment before sighing.

"I don't get it. Now, shut up and kiss me. Otherwise, they'll think something is up." Liz stated.

"If you keep this going, something will be up." Red muttered but she ignored him. Liz put her hand behind his head and pulled him into another kiss. He strained to not lean into it, but she got the better of him. He melted into her touch and let his hands wander up the back of her leg.

The farther his hand got, the more blood he felt rushing south. He moaned when her tongue pressed past his lips. Liz knew that she had taken control but only got to enjoy it for a moment. She pulled away and gave him a strange look.

"Red, please tell that isn-,

"Damn it! I warned you!" He said angrily.

"...Oops."


	10. Cookies and a Donkey

Liz drove along and glanced over at Ressler who was laying in her passenger seat. He watched her blearily, his mind fogged over by the medication that the dentist had used. Donald made a noise in the back of his throat before leaning up in his seat.

"How you feeling?" Liz asked and watched as he shrugged his shoulders. Maybe it was starting to wear off if he was able to answer her.

"I don't know," he muttered. "I think they left." He added, causing Liz to furrow her brow. He might not have been very well off after all.

"Who?" She questioned. If Ressler was gonna be high in her car, she might as well have fun with it.

"The gingerbread men," he answered. Then, he felt around his pockets before slumping back in his seat with disappointment. "They took it." he mumbled.

"Took what?"

"They took my donkey." Donald replied, getting laughter from Liz. He furrowed his brow before saying, "S'not funny! The cookies stole my ass!" He yelled causing her to erupt with laughter to the point she was afraid she might have to pull over. "But I like my ass."

"Don't worry, Don. I like your ass too." Liz replied and ruffled his hair. He smiled and took her hand before laying his back and going back to sleep.

author's note_

I know it's weird, but I was bored. Plus, the dentist said that I'd need to get my wisdom teeth taken out within the next year. I'm paranoid as to what's going to happen while I'm high off of the pain killers.


	11. Books

Madeline was a little shocked at the turn of events. After so long, Red was letting her into his life. So of course, she was going to take the invitation to stay the night with him.

Dembe had let her inside before Red came back from his meeting. She took the liberty of taking a quick look around. The first thing she noticed was the furniture that looked old and comfortable. The second thing took a little longer. There were books... EVERYWHERE! They on tables, chairs, on the bed, and on the kitchen counter. It seemed the only place that they weren't was on a bookshelf.

"Madeline, you made it!" Red called cheerily as he walked through the living room. She smiled as he pulled her into a tight hug and kissed her cheek. "How was the trip?"

"Long but relaxing," she answered. He beamed at her before ushering her into the kitchen.

"I made us some lunch earlier. It's probably cold now, but I didn't really have the right schedule for it." He stated pulling out a pot of pasta. He made a plate for both of them before sitting down across from her. "How do you like the house?"

"It's beautiful." Madeline answered. Red gave a quick smile before taking a bite of his pasta. "I've noticed it certainly has a lot of books." She added glancing at one on the counter. Red gave her an odd look before looking like he realized something.

"Oh no, those are mine. I have a habit of reading while I'm doing other things. So, they get strode around the house." Red responded. "What?" he asked when he saw a slightly worried look on her face.

"Raymond, you can't really carry those things around everywhere you go."

"Why not? The majority of them I haven't even gotten to read yet."

"You buy them that far ahead in advance?"

"I like to stock up on them." He answered looking somewhere between serious and sheepish.

"Honey, you're hoarding them."

"I am NOT hoarding them!" Red stated defensively as a blush crept over his cheeks.

"Prove it. Show me all the books that you haven't finished yet." She said. Red chewed on his lip for a moment before standing up. Madeline thought for a moment that Red was going to tell her to leave.

"Alright, come on. Only, let's make this more interesting." He told her. She stood and met his challenging gaze.

"Fine by me. If the book pile is as tall as you, you have to do whatever I want, with in reason, of course."

"If it isn't, you have to do whatever I want." Red responded and Madeline nodded. She grabbed the book on the counter and held it up.

"I'm assuming that you haven't finished this yet?" She asked getting a fish impression from Red. "I didn't think so." She stated before turning to walk out of the kitchen.

"Now, hold on! This is books I haven't read yet!"

"Ah ah ah. I said books you haven't FINISHED yet." She said causing his eye to twitch. Madeline chuckled. She always loved being able to outwit him.

They continued through out the house, gathering books as they went. Eventually, Madeline had Dembe take the books that they had gathered back to the living room. That way, Red couldn't cheat and stop short of what his height was. Finally, all of them had been brought to the living room and stacked on top of one another. Red bit his lip. That stack looked rather tall.

"Go stand beside it." She instructed. Red did so and sighed a breath of relief.

"I'm taller." He said with a smug grin. Madeline looked between him and the stack. There was less than and inch difference. Red's smile fell when Madeline started to grin.

"Take off your shoes."

"... I don't think my shoes will make that much of a difference."

"Still. I said if it was taller than you, not taller than you with your shoes on." She said. He looked hesitant before finally complying. His face reddened when he saw that it had made enough of a difference to make him shorter than the books.

"It's too close to call... Right, Dembe?" Red asked looking at his friend. Dembe only looked away while holding back a grin.

"Face it, Raymond. I won." Madeline stated and wound her arms over his shoulders gently. "Next, we can talk about all those hats of yours."

"Leave the hats out of this." Red stated getting a small laugh from the blonde. She leaned up and placed a kiss on his lips. Pulling away, she noticed him try to close the space again.

"Then, let's do something else." She said and felt his hands rest on her lower back. "Just promise that you won't read during it."

author's note_

So, I found all the books I have scattered around the house that I need to read and it's more than I'm proud to mention. It's no where near as bad as Red, but it's kind of bad. I could just picture Red hoarding unread books. Hope you guys liked this. :) Also, I thought Red needed some love after this last episode.


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